Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
