god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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