the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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