Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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