good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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