he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
