she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
