Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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