escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't deserve a penis
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
