Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And then he peed in my hair
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
