In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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