what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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