I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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