how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
