I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
