8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
