i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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