get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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