I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
