Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
