weddingsv make me drug and hornr
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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