You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
