Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just fell off a train. Bad.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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