Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
