I didn't shave. On purpose
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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