i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
