She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We don't watch enough power rangers
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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