My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
pray to the hookup gods
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
