Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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