i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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