everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
