the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
