walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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