No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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