It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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