The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
