I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
high people should be assigned attendants
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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