Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
