1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
