She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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