she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
