please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
