she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
They are going to name an STD after you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
