I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You were trust falling into bushes
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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