she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
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It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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