Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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