these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
