The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
