I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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