Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
