the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk is not a location!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
