I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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