My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
