Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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