I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
