I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Randomize
