i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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