I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
