Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
did you just send me my own nude
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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