My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
