My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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